Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

   I have two blood pressures. The one I normally have all day, and the one when my wife needs to borrow my phone.

   You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today because its making me violent.. So we laughed and laughed and than I killed him.

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.

   My best sex move usually comes in the form of an apology.

   Fact: White girls with cornrows are gonna try to put stuff in your butt.

   Guess Lil Wayne actually heard some of his own songs. They do the same thing to me.

   TMZ: Lil Wayne alive, six songs deep into new mix tape.

   May the beer rise up to meet you and may your bar tab be picked up by someone else, and may the hangover be far from you. Happy St. Paddy's Day!

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   I went to the dentist for a cleaning. After he was done I told him my teeth were still yellow. He said I should wear a brown tie then no one would notice.

   Yes It's true , the weekend is over

   misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.

   You know you're getting old when you watch a porno and think: "Oh, that bed looks comfortable.".

   Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.

   How do you get an Irishman to climb up a roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.

   what's Irish and lives on your porch? Paddy O'furniture