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Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny. 
Just because it's called make-up... doesn't mean it's supposed to makeup 99% of your face.
I came very close to death today, that's the last time I'm masterbating in a cemetery!
To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"
The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Hello from the depths of loathing and self-pity festering in the sleep-deprived world of yellow cabs and chain-smoking drunken remorse.
maybe you're suffering from O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder....Ok, now lets do body shots!
Friday - again, voted the favorite work day of the week for 156 years straight! You stay classy, Friday!!
Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.
I think I am going to print the constitution on a bunch of rolls of toilet paper and send it to the president and his cronies, that way they can truly wipe thier a$$ with it.
marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect
more wars have been fought and more peopke killed in the name Of religion (including) the Catholic one than all other reasons combined.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Watching the women's MAC championship. I'm just going to assume that the bulge in the front of their shorts is just a balled up tube sock.
my favorite recipe calls for 2 cups of bacon, a tablespoon of bacon, and a dash of bacon.
Children need a lot of love & understanding but men need even more.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks.
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