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President and Michelle Obama had a great interview in this months Vogue Magazine about fashion. All of America's problems are now solved. 
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.
I'm not impatient...I just don't like to wait.
believes hunting is totally wrong unless you are hunting cougars.
I love when people see me and say..." Ohh I've been meaning to call you.. But lost your number.." B itch my number hasn't changed in 10 yrs! It should be implanted into your brain cells!
"I'd hit that" -old people who drive
Santa works one day a year and spends the other 364 judging people. Where can I apply for this job?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.
The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload the gun instead of shooting into a bullet proof vest.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
there are so many people I would love to tell off... if only I never had to see them again
So, I found out I have O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder.
90% of people who claim to have "come from the bottom" don't realise that they are still stuck at the bottom.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
There is a special place on earth for people who recognize that religion is bulls hit.
I don’t follow celebrities on Twitter, so if I am following you its confirmation that you are NOT a celebrity.
says If we have a World Kidney Day, I suppose we should also introduce a World Liver Day
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