Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When it's raining I don't work, when its sunny I don't work, when its cloudy I call in sick!

   Why do hot girls perish by ugly girls?

   Times are tought, jobs are scarce, I know I don't have the greatest body, but for you single ladies, I'll gigolo if the price is right. . .

   I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   This douchebag trying to tell me that the Smurfs are Caucasian.

   I dont see the point of sex if the neighbours don't hear it.

   Every time I go grocery shopping, I ask myself what would Jesus buy. This explains my cart full of wine bottles.

   My favorite part about Facebook is how fat all the girls from high school are getting

   83% of the dialogue in my relationship consists of "Where's the cat?".

   Jesus is lord. Strangely enough he's also my coke dealer and gardener.

   Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   I never met a donut with a lifespan of more than five seconds.

   Hold boobs not grudges.