Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.

   Got kicked outta hospital,the 'stroke patients here' means something completely different.....xXx

   This complimentary lemonade at the doctor's office tastes funny.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   What doesn't kill you makes you want to go back to him for more.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.

   I will not call what we have a relationship. I prefer the term "unholy alliance."

   Men who enjoy making their girlfriends jealous, good luck dealing with the crazy psycho you created.

   They say that babies do a better job at attracting girls than puppies, so that's why I have this baby on a leash, Officer.

   Before you and your best friend decide to stop speaking to each other, hug them and stab them to death because they know way too much.

   If a chick eats some expensive cuisine in a 5-star restaurant and does not post a pic of it on her FB wall, did it even happen?

   A real woman knows how to make you feel wanted, dead or alive.

   Guys If a Woman Shaves hers Legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.

   Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #

   alcohol and drugs is not the answer...unless you're asking what I'm doing this weekend.

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   I passed my drug test with FLYING COLORS!!! the LSD section anyways...

   Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.