Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

   I'm not saying my ex wife was crazy but she was jealous of my dog...

   So if I buy a blow up doll for company coz I feel lonely at home.. Will that make me creepy and gay? Coz gay is fine, I just don't wanna come off as creepy :-/

   When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.

   You know your life is disappointing when you wake up and your first thought is, "Crap, still here."

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list.

   How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.