Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   you see, one minute is 1:59 the next is 3:00 a.m., ugh!

   Elections show how desperate human beings are to be led by douchebags called politicians.

   Happy Mothers day to a mom who should have been an air traffic controller... ...I was grounded so often!

   MARY was handpicked by God to bear his son, MOSES was handpicked by God to bring the Israelites out of Egypt, NOAH was personally asked by god to build the ark, but the POPE is chosen by ballot box. One of these people is an impostor.

   No one is more cherished in this world than someone who lightens the burden of another.

   Did you remember to set your clocks one hour ahead for Daylight Reappropriated Time?

   I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.

   Remember it's Sunday. No clever, sarcastic, or intellectual humor. The mouth breathers won't "get" them.

   this Mexican guy asked me if I'd seen his beach but we're 300 miles from the ocean...

   The worst thing about taking naps is you expect to wake up afterwards feeling well-rested but instead you wake up feeling like you died and you forget who and where you are.

   If I find out that my soulmate is dead, I’m going to be pissed off that I didn’t have a chance to be the reason she drank herself to death.

   Ugly girls give excellent hand-jobs. Which is an actual stupid skill to have, considering a guy could just jerk himself off and avoid the ugly.

   You'll never forget the man who whispered sweetly in your ear "Your next poop is gonna be SO easy"

   We haven't lost an hour, we loaned it to the illusion we call "time". "Time" will pay us back in full at 2am on Sun., Nov 3. This is an interest free loan, and means there are no seconds, minutes, or hours assessed.

   I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.

   Those jeans don't make you look fat, They make you look blind.

   Dating is like shopping. No one is new off the shelf. We're all in a second-hand store looking for the vintage gem someone else cast aside.

   When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.

   I would have a lot more sex if it weren’t so expensive.

   My girlfriend just admitted she’s wrong, I just ran to check the calendar to see if we both forgot my birthday.