Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   . I'm going to start an exercise class that mixes religion into the experience. I'll call it...Pontius Pilates. (insert Dr. Evil pinky in corner of mouth move here)

   My better half wants me to go to the store and pick up some spices...I told her"Ain't nobody got no thyme for that"...

   no amount of cash is petty

   hates when the microwave decides to heat his plate, but not his food.

   Dear Diary: "I’m not sure how much longer I can hide the fact that I’m a robot

   Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....

   i dont mean to brag ...but I just finished a whole chap stick without losing it

   You're odd and cheap when you smile habitually and for no apparent reason.

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?

   if you go through life with your head in the sand all people will see is an ass!

   If only you guys were as good as telling jokes as you were at trashing our country's President.

   Fillibustering a slice of pizza.

   Hugo Chavez and that kid Manny on Modern Family look just alike.

   These people who came up with this "B1ng" search engine in hopes to compete with G00gle remind me of that company that came up with the Z une trying to compete with the I Pod.

   As they say in Florida, any day you wake up and you weren't swallowed whole by the earth while you were sleeping is a good day.

   Like if you think unemployed poor people are mean, unlike if you think affluent people are vicious.

   Trust in a big government is like give them a lighter, then cover yourself in gasoline.

   If you are my friend on Facebook and you need money, don't ask because I have no money. If you are family, or a friend, may I borrow some money? If you are a female and cute, don't worry, I have lots of money $$$

   I bet nobody can spell Nietzsche correctly without searching it. D'oh

   My girlfriend is so silly. I'm looking at her phone and she's been sending all these sweet love messages and sexts to the wrong number as I never got any of them.