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the more people I meet the more I like my dog 
Asian Kid: "Oww I got stung by a bee!" Asian Dad: "WHY YOU NO GET STUNG BY A!?"
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird
I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"
I'm not mooing you.. I'm turning the other cheek
Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...
I don't care much for tattoos. I prefer to ruin my body the old fashioned way. By weighing 400 lbs. and getting stretch marks that resemble tire tracks.
Life is short. Tell the people you care about that you love the them. But tell them in German because life is also scary and confusing...
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.
Not to brag, but I come from Old Poverty.
When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels
Those women who claim to be offended the "C" word, are usually the biggest ones.
I make people guess the secret ingredients in my brownies.. hallucinating yet?
Girls gone wild...Not the first time Bit@hes bankrupted a man..
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I remember the first guy who broke my heart. Well look at me now, Jason! I talk about mundane stuff and drinking escapades to perfect strangers on the Internet. I got a lot going on, dude. You had your chance!
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