Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The biggest problem I have with women is that they are not Megan Fox.

   My superpower is common decency.

   I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   Then god said: how can I make men act stupid?...then he created women.

   Tell her something she’s never heard before…like the truth.

   Im not dead I'm just resting my eyes in this shallow ditch.

   Ladies, let me save you your annual Cosmo subscription fee: 1. Let him go out with the boys 2. Sex him up 3. Make him a sandwich Repeat.

   Saw a bird crap on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.

   Silence is only golden when the person you really want to shut up does it.

   I spit on a hotdog before eating it. I think I need to cut back on the por n.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   Thanks for ruining real honey for all of us, Boo Boo idiots.

   If I had a mood ring on today, it'd be flashing like a disco ball..!

   I wanna be with a woman who’s stupid enough to never leave me.

   Hugh Hefner would make a great Pope.

   Sequestering a sandwich.

   okay...so Harlem Shake is not a rich Arab!!!

   It would be a nice jesture to avoid this sequester.