Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I remember a day when actions used to speak louder than words. Then along came Facebook.

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   I just got mood poisoning from work

   Tampa area man swallowed by sinkhole. Yep....that's where my ex-lives now....go figure...she got another sucker.

   Sequester Apocalypse? I don't even see any dead road kill on my morning drive to work. I want a refund.

   Obama must be out of his Vulcan mind using the term "Jedi mild meld." Who doesn't know the difference between the Vulcan mind meld and Jedi mind trick?

   Everyone knows the Jedi "Mind meld" is illegal in all 57 states.

   if Sonic can start their happy hour at 2pm, so can I!!

   Your brain is an amzing organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from before birth, right up until you post a status message on facebook.

   I’m texting “I’m going to keep the baby” to random numbers until someone replies

   If you watch Honey Boo Boo and enjoy it....please seek the help that you need...

   You should know you'll get loud while drinking. It says it right there on the bottle: "alcohol by volume".

   i used to live in a place where the walls were so thin that when my neighbors peeled onions I was crying next door.

   yo' mama is so fat that when she walked infront of the TV last Saturday night, we missed the entire third period of the hockey game.

   if you have a problem with me, call me and we can talk, if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me...

   I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!

   Facebook: A place where someone will send you endless invites to play games, but won't invite you to their party.