Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am going into my sequester bunker now, someone call me when this nightmare is over! I am terrified......

   You're either a Vatican, or a Vatican't

   After a good night of sleep, my fave word to wake up to in the morning is.........."TAMALES!"

   if your profile picture is of your dogs, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're fugly...

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   Harlem Shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.

   You inspire my inner serial killer.

   I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.

   I’m not ugly. You’re just not drunk enough.

   When Kate Middleton goes into labor, the doctor will say "the baby is crowning!" And they'll laugh and laugh...

   I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes.

   if you still don't think money doesn't matter, name the last rich person we deported...

   Cats are pet tigers for midgets.

   What do ducks smoke? Quack.

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.

   What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.

   What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off and a priest sucks them off.