Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   Off to IKEA to shop, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse...

   I bought a dishwasher from a guy in Croydon off e-Bay, now I have a 14 yr old girl with a speech impediment, eating all of my mustard.

   To stay competitive with Burger King and Ikea, Subway announces the new $5 Furlong...

   Facebook, cos nothing reassures yourself more than seeing how the other half live

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend

   Because I'm stressed I've started sniffing glue. It's the only thing holding me together

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.

   How long before the Karoke version of Lady Antebellum's "Need you now" hits bars and taverns. I can just imagine drunks trying to sing it now, "It's a quart... quarter after, uh one, I'm a... I'm a little drunk, and... and I need... you now."

   Some people need to write a book, rather then tell Facebook.

   Want to be a rebel? THINK.

   It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.

   I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.

   Just saw my friend in a g ay p orn o... His secret has never been safer.

   Loneliness can make you do some strange people.

   The Defense in this women's football team looks like it has a lot of holes to fill.

   My signature move is learning the hard way.

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad