Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!

   I pride myself on helping others get thru stressful times, but honestly, that plumber acted like he didn't enjoy the back-rub I gave him...

   I was having a good day until I ran into an idiot. These things are everywhere, there is no avoiding them.

   The smartest place to stand when pointing fingers is usually in front of a mirror.

   I’m not ignoring you if you don’t exist to me.

   If I swallow magnets will I be attractive?

   Ladies if you have a daughter she will learn and emulate your behaviours so tone down the b itchy attitude and try a little graciousness

   Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Just bought 2 donuts without sprinkles... Diets are hard ツ

   A rhinoceros walks into a bar wearing a top hat and orders six Jägerbombs and...you should be ashamed of yourself for expecting a punchline. It's obvious this rhinoceros needs help.

   I simply purposed that we have Another one Bites the Dust playin as customers come in to purchase their headstones, I didn't think she would fire me and insist I seek mental help...

   Oww a dorito just stabbed the roof of my mouth...how could something I love so much hurt me like this.

   doctor: are you sexually active me: I'm not even physically active

   Should it bother me how happy my husband gets after my meds kicks in? I actually hear him thankin god for psycho pills!

   Dammit doc... Go ahead, add another mental condition on to the list... I'm sure my liver is excited to find out about all the new meds I'm gonna get..

   Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..

   My doctor asked for a stool, a urine, a blood, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.