Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I love a good political joke. Unless it gets elected president...

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance, now it's a class C Felony

   I just checked my credit score. Damn it!!! They won.

   wine is the wrath of grapes.

   Please ignore this status. I'm standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I'm making it look like I'm texting.

   The say milk gives you strength so I drank 5 glasses and still couldn't move a wall, I tried 13 shots of Vodka and saw the wall movie by itself

   For Free, 5 foot of snow....you pick up and haul (from my drive) First 10 people get a free glass of ice water with it.....limited supply so hurry fast.

   I am a virgin...just not very good at it...

   I'm a nice person really.....at least I smile when I tell you to F&*k off! :))

   Slowly step away from the bacon and no one gets hurt...

   You’re all dying anyway so why not just go buy some KFC. (Those guys need to let me do their ads).

   if your morning beverage isn't half booze/half coffee, you're doing Saturday wrong...

   Oscar Pistorius' bail cost an arm and a - oh wait...

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   Sunday is looking like a category "1 box of wine" nor'easter.

   Got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist and a priest.

   No one gets to the age of fifty without making a few enemies.

   They say you should dress for the job you want, which is why I'm wearing boxers shorts and a heavy scent of bourbon.

   Few things disappoint as consistently as a dry wedding.