Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Does anyone have the owner's manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.

   Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

   The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.

   I’m going to change my name to Benefits. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say, you are now friends with benefits.

   Maybe homeless people are just hardcore campers.

   First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

   IF you had to choose between your wife and winning the lottery… What kind of car would you buy 1st?

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then when they mess up I will just hit them all at once.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I’ve been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   My “we had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school” story will be about taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   Attractive girls are always the most insecure. While these Shrek looking bit$hes, walk around thinking their the s$it.

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…

   My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   I’m beginning to get disillusioned....the scotch tape doesn’t taste like scotch...there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken and this avocado exfoliating mask tastes like crap in the guacamole I just made.....I guess I’ll go try some hash browns....

   FYI Atheist do not have to thank anyone for Friday because Friday is a free natural phenomenon.

   i keep getting all these popups...if this lasts 4 hours, I'm gonna have to visit WebMD