Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   Today's Subway Special: The Triumph Carnival Cruise sandwich, This sandwich is served on 4 day-old Ammonia bread, with a scraps of room temperature tuna and onion, room temperature Mayonnaise, pieces of cucumber, and cheese.

   If I pause my p orn to text you back, marry me.

   Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.

   A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

   Once upon a midday dreary, While I plotted my next mealy, Came an empty rap-rap-rapping at my cupboard door. Quoth the Ramen, “Ever poor.”

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   I love make up sex. Especially with Katy Perry. I make up sex with her all the time.

   Okay, so maybe practicing hypnotism in front of the mirror wasn't the smartest idea..

   The most used sexual position for married couples is DOGGY STYLE. The husband sits and begs for it and the wife rolls over and plays dead!

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   Nothing makes a roaring fire cozier than sitting on the neighbor's front lawn under an emergency blanket.

   I don't always poop in a bag but when I do I prefer Carnival!

   I need to scratch my balls but can't find my wife's purse...

   To this day I still get freaked out by the Swedish Chef's hands

   Mindy Mccready committed suicide, your move Justin Beiber!

   I'm trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram so I'm not going to eat anymore.

   I am too funny I just don't know how to describe it in writing but if you doubt me you are free to come over to my house tonight & see... You can also carry a good comedy with you just in case.

   I met a girl who told me she was a hopeless romantic. I don't want to be with her if she's hopeless.