Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   punctuation is important. Take; Jesus, people are crazy or Jesus people are crazy. OK, that's a bad example but you know what I mean...

   I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read

   YouTube... The only way you'll ever see MTV play music videos.

   It's science. It's meant to confuse stupid people

   This just in: The meteor that hit Russia caused 10 million dollars worth of improvements...

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   I swear officer it started out as acupuncture and then just kind of transitioned into stabbing.

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   It's called the pursuit of happiness because you spend your life chasing it before you realize it's the roadrunner and you're the coyote.

   Looks like they used up all the power trying to revive Wyclef’s career.

   *opens beer with double chin*

   When a romantic song comes on the radio, I always take her hand in mine, and whisper softly in her ear, "Please change the radio station."

   Roses are Red...Bacon is also red...Poem is Hard. Bacon.

   Question... Can I pay for pùssÿ with foodstamps if I plan on eating it?

   Every month you push your kid in a stroller after they can walk is another year they'll live in your house after they turn 18.

   Of all the people I don't love, I don't love you the most.

   Don't you find it suspicious that success and myself are never in the same place at the same time?

   I'm at my neighbor's house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

   Don't listen to your heart. It has no idea what's good for you.