Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.

   A woman's broken heart can be glued together with molten chocolate.

   I know you didn't intentionally send me all those game requests, much in the same way I didn't intentionally b@sh in your $kull for sending them.

   Alberto Morales found out the hard way that you, "Don't mess with Texas!"

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   a woman is driving one day and accidentally rear ends the car in front of her. when the other driver gets out she discovers he is a midget. he is clearly upset and says "i'm not happy". she replies "then which one are you?

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   I'm not allowed to text and drive, but this officer can run my plates and talk on the phone simultaneously. I should brake-check him.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   I submitted my photo into one of those "Which Celebrity Do You Most Closely Resemble" apps. It compared me to Patrick from SpongeBob.

   Sometimes I confuse sex with bull riding because my goal for both is to stay on for 8 seconds.

   I just pooped at my girlfriend's house for the first time, and now I'm single again.

   The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.

   My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.

   Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.

   Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!

   You have no legs and you're dating a super model and you kill her....on VALENTINES?! Good god, some people just don't know what they have do they?

   Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?