Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   All this meteor-related violence clearly stems from our cultural obsession with shoot-'em-up video games like ASTEROIDS.

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.

   I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.

   I really hope the meteorite that crash in Russia doesn't affect the price of Vodka!...Cause I'll Go Mexican..Tequila!

   Just saw A good day to die hard" movie. and its like tthey just took the Benz logo and stuck it on every vehicle they cud find, including a tank!

   Does God love poor people more than rich people? to put it differently, Does God love lazy ass bums more than hardworking folks?

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   I don't wait well.

   I don't mean to be a stereotype, but like most women, I love shoplifting.

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't you better start praying"

   Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.