Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You can't corner the Dorner.

   Birds eye have recalled all there fish products as the contain traces of sea horse...

   I like it when they surprise you with that little silica gel candy in new shoes. New sneakers and a snack!

   It’s frightening how much trust we put in toilet spray!

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(

   I'm horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.

   How do all these dudes driving Smart Cars find room in them for all the p ussy they're pulling in?

   I wish that stupid meteorite would have hit my place of work during my day off.

   Just found out my Homeowner's Insurance policy does not have adequate roof coverage that covers Meteors. It never ends.....

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   And the worlds biggest fan of the band Bullet for My Valentine goes to... Oscar Pistorius!!

   Just think... before Facebook all of this crazy s%*t was floating around in people's heads.

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything

   Confession: sometimes, right at the moment of climax, I forget about Dre.

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   To ease my mind, I just pretend the Die Hard sequels were written and directed by Hans Gruber as he fell from Nakatomi Plaza.

   Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.

   New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.

   Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!