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Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock. 
Hey, Windows 8..... YOU SUCK... I should have bought a Mac...
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...
LAPD are looking for a black guy who shot some people. so far, they have 3 million suspects...
Damn, You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.
im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."
i've been looking for the key to happiness....apparently it isnt on my keyboard or my phone
JT doesn't stand for Justin Timberlake...but for JUST TIRED
Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate.
JUST ANNOUNCED: The Pope is resigning at the end of the month. Sounds a little Joe Paterno-ish to me.
The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bit¢h breathing out of her nose like she owns the oxygen here."
i wonder what the ex pope will do with all those sweet hats
The Pope is the first to step down in 600 years due to being too tired? How tired does one get, sitting in that big comfy chair.
Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.
Love is that gun we all use to commit suicide.
Error 404: Jesus not found.
''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.
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