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My neighbour: ' I don't mean to complain, but...' Me; ' Then don't. ' Slams door in face... 
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am
The funnest thing about the end of a relationship is being honest about why you pretended to love each other.
"No more Mr Nice Guy" ~ Mr Nice Guy's eulogy
I just want to be the reason that you constantly call your friends at three in the morning frantically crying.
Idiocy is the shortest distance between my fist and your face.
I don't get why the Grammy's are such a big deal. I mean, who wants to see a bunch of old women on TV??
A healthy marriage means making sure there's always fresh batteries in your wife's vibrator.
I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich...
To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand.
where the treasure is found on a treasure map
FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up.
Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand. Unrelated, never trust a fart.
Glad the Kool Aid Man won a Grammy! Ohhhh that was Adele
John Mayer is wearing a sofa from 1972.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
Nothing’s forever. Forever’s a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.
I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.
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