Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I walked out to get the newspaper this morning and the neighbor had already picked his up.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   Do the Chinese realize that when they visit this country, they buy souvenirs made in their country.

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.

   As soon as you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately with all their s hit

   I have just one word for my critics. Kissmyass...

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.

   If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!

   It's going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they're just like, "We really hate corn."

   Subway's sub of the month should be black forest ham...

   Instead of a sign that says "Do not disturb" I need one that says "Already disturbed"

   Respect for yourself is good morals. Respect for others is good manners. Respect for women is good for oral.

   Ladies; If he's seen your butthole, how you look in the morning with no makeup and hair all over the place is moot.

   "I need you to understand something that I can never explain." ~ Heart to brain.

   The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.