Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There was a homeless guy walking down my street.. I was gonna give him a few bucks but his sign said: "ONE DAY IT MIGHT BE YOU". I put the money back in my pocket just in case he's right.

   dude, if you were the best, there wouldn't be a guy after you...

   I'm gonna build a snowman just so I can punch it in the face.

   Wouldn't it be so disappointing if we ever come into contact with aliens, and we ask them about the mysteriousness & complexity of crop circles and they're like "Dude, we just really hate corn."

   My Facebook device received a phone call today........ Weird

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters...

   How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It's the year of the snake !!! I'm still keep accidently writing Dragon on all my checks.

   I can't wait to run out of stuff to say so I can just re-release all my status updates in acoustic version.

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   I went to the Doctors and he said I'd better start watching what I eat..... So I've bought two tickets for the Grand National!! :)

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine."

   If being supportive means to stand there and pretend to listen. Then, yes I am extremely supportive.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   There is a special place in hell for people who name their kids after their exes.

   You can leave your hat on, but definitely not your socks.