Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Note to self: Do not use reverse psychology when trying to stop someone from jumping off a building.

   There's nothing sexier than an intelligent woman who can f uck like she's stupid

   Honey, you don’t have sex appeal. You have slut appeal. There’s a difference.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.

   You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

   Gong Xi Fa Ca! Happy Chinese New Year! And hopefully, when you wake up after two too many mai tais, you don’t discover a Tattoo of "Yu Bang Mi Nao" on your a$$.....do not ask me how I know this.

   Does anyone know if we can claim the farm credit on our taxes for playing games on Facebook?

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   I have a tool for everything in my shed. Including the tool to open the lock when I lose my key ...

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

   During sex, you burn as many calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?!

   My boss accuse me of being immature, but I had my hands over my ears and told him I wasn't listening.

   Me: Do you know me? Sales Person: Mitch, I believe Me:I prefer Magneto.

   What's with this latest trend of using a picture of your child as a profile pic? Makes it seem as though 65% of my friends are under three years old.

   it's winter, and it snowed. Enough said!

   knew he had a serious skittles addiction when he saw a rainbow every time he used the bathroom.

   So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day. If your life is really that bad, you should probably do something about it. No, whining on Facebook is not considered "something."

   Tried on the new Magnum condom today....The Damn thing looked like a tube sock hanging off a door knob!