Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Only God can judge me.....tell it to the judge

   Women who say that men only want to have is sex are the women who have nothing else to offer than that.

   Correction, its women who suck at sex who accuse men of only being after one thing, sex.

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   I'm gonna go ahead and call this one: lots of babies are going to be born on or around November 8th

   No, I haven't been sick. I haven't been busy. I haven't been away on vacation. The reason I haven't returned your calls is because I can't stand you.

   I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...

   Been chewing for over 50 years now......you'd think I'd know where the insides of my cheeks are by now.

   FYI - Valentines Day is only 5 days away... It's not too late to break up.

   FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   Facebook... because moving your fingers is almost like doing something.

   I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.

   Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast?

   Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with... How the f**k did two sticks win?

   I've never seen animals party. Though squirrels that fly are pretty goddamn close.