Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?

   The aliens have never invaded cos every time they visit they only ever encounter redneck Americans. So they’re waiting for us to evolve.

   Almost as offensive as priests molesting kids, is that parents still leave their kids alone with priests.

   First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

   My wife seems to be having a great day, I can't wait to ruin it by talking to her.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   F.Y.I.: FaceBook will be closed February 29, 30 and 31st. Please make a note of it.

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

   May the groundhog perish in the 2013 Nor'easter!

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   I don't have issues... I have an entire subcription... jest sayin

   The only reason I've made it this far in life is because I have the Hyrule Field theme song from Zelda playing on repeat inside my head.

   Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   My girlfriend kept going "Ssshhhhh!" during sex, last night. I think she might have a puncture

   Learn From Your Parents Mistakes - Use Birth Control. Only a fool makes a mistake twice.