Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   i'm really good at totally screwing myself over

   Karma is like 69: "You get, what you give

   Men need 100% talent to succeed in life....... Women need only 4%..... because the remaining 36+24+36 helps..

   when someone tells me I can't do something, I try 100% harder to prove them wrong.

   It doesn't matter how old we are, from a young child to an adult. When your parents praise you about something, even if it may be the smallest of things, it always makes me smile, realizing I have made them proud in some way.

   Being fat is over weighted.- Elmer Fudd

   Hey "Celebrity Chef", why don't you whip me up a sandwich and go f you c k yourself.

   Wife: Have a super terrific day pumpkin head. Me: You too poop face. Yes we have this marriage thing locked down.

   When a woman asks "does my bum look big in this?",she already knows it does, she has eyes. Don't even try to answer, flee the scene & hide.

   Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday.

   It turns out if a person looks into your eyes for more than 6 seconds without blinking, he/she wants to either kill you or have sex with you.

   The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.

   Theres no I in team....but there is in TIM, because Carllos calls him "Teem"!

   My family treats me like a GOD,,,,,, They only talk to me if they want something

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   One time I farted so loud in my sleep they had to stop the bus...

   TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   There are so many scams on Facebook now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.