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Celebrating black history month by not pulling my pants up. 
A flying saucer lands at a gas station. Two aliens got out. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station guy goes, "Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" "No", said one of aliens, "Unleaded Fuel Only."
You call it blacking out. I call it a booze nap.
If I had a dollar for every time I used the phrase "If I had a dollar", I'd be as rich as I wanted to be...and boring to talk to...if I had a dollar.
some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
I bet Mickey's Mom said "Go to your basement!"
#TeamSingle,.. Being Single Isn't A Team You Are ALONE
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.
I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...
Want to hate any song in less than ten seconds? Just set it as your alarm for 5:30 in the morning.
Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.
I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.
I just walked up to a guuy with an eye patch and asked him was it really fun and games at that point
I started my new abs workout tonight. I did 25 crunches while sitting on the toilet. I gotta cut back on the cheese. Oh yeahhh, feel the burn... ツ
I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lays.
Don't ask me to respect your religion when you can't give me the same respect for not believing in yours.
One look at Megan Fox, and you know God is a man
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.
Every time I cough, the dog thinks I'm barking at him.
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