Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...

   celebrating black history month by wearing a white cotton t-shirt

   The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.

   Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.

   Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   Sadly, I don't think Fast & Furious sequels are being released fast or furiously enough.

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Before 2012 it was dave chappelle here. Now it's like conan o'brien.

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...

   Bought a pack of air the other day. Guess what... There were Chips inside

   Dear Ladies: Smiles are more attractive than duckfaces. Keep that in mind when you're editing your dating profile.

   Eating generic fruit loops is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   how do you call yourself WORLD champions when you play yourself?

   Dear girl at the gym. Chill on the perfume; it's not a nighclub. And that 5 minute walk on the treadmill is a warm-up not a work out...

   Liking your own status is the online equivilent of savoring your own fart...

   Keep it down kids....Aunt Minnie is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops.