Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Why you acting hollywood when you ain't never been to Hollywood!!

   People would never be late if the Mario "running out of time" music started playing a few minutes before.

   I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I'm not dead inside.

   I don't mind playing games as long as we both end up naked at the end.

   What if the real Slim Shady is paraplegic?

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.

   can we all agree this fake moustache thing has gone on long enough??

   this Mali fighting needs to stop. I keep thinking the headline reads Mall shooting...

   Her last boyfriend was Asian: Good news for your D. Her last boyfriend was black: Bad news for your D

   when I make love, I like to do so to the sounds of the Star Trek theme, so that way the girl feels she's going to a place where no other girl has gone before

   Notice at Church: Don't leave ur mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girlfriends unattended. Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

   So I'm looking in the fridge and I see a quart container with a yellow liquid in it. We always put pineapple in those, so I think "Yeah, pineapple will go good with that!". So, long story short, I made a vodka and egg drop soup.

   if you're 40+ and never married, just say you're divorced so people won't think there's something wrong with you...

   a man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out. so the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said "i hope you die a slow agonizing death"the husband replied "oh, so now you want me to stay?

   Friends: "I need a new profile picture." Me: "I need a new face."

   Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

   If you watch an Apple store get robbed... are you an iWitness?

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!

   hasn't done laundry in 5 months and isn't wearing any underwear right now, just a big sock. and I do mean a BIG sock.