Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you

   "i would do anything for love, but I won't do that...or that, or that, or that, or that, or that"

   My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I cant take it anymore, I'm going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?

   I am always confused when I see a status message that isn't about me.

   WALMART, because going to TARGET requires taking a shower.

   I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!

   I organized a threesome last night. There was a couple of no shows but I still had a great time!

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!

   Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don't even do anything about it.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   I don't need flower scented air freshner, I just need one called "before I s hit..."

   I found that my power went out briefly while I was sleeping, So I woke and my coffee was NOT ready and waiting for me. What an utterly horrible way to start the day. I had to wait five minutes, FIVE MINUTES! for my coffee. I feel like a caveman.

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.

   you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?

   Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.