Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   I think I just had a wardrobe malfunction................................

   I'm convinced any man who introduces themselves with 'Uncle' before their name is a child molester.

   hurt my leg while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.

   I'm sorry, but your job opportunities are limited here in light of the tattoos on your face and neck. How are you at handling a spatula? ツ

   I have DirecTV...where's my genie??

   choosing someone on a dating website is like deciding which STD you want...

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...

   Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.

   People mistake my shyness for unapproachability, and I'm totally okay with that.

   Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.

   why does the microwave plate stay cool but my plate is 500 f ucking degrees??

   I slept so hard last night the Geico caveman was under me when I woke up...

   The worst part about watching porn on your smart phone is getting interrupted by texts from your mother...

   Still trying to figure out how Cee-Lo wipes his ass.

   Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever.

   Okay, women, so it's: Be nice, but not too nice; be sweet, but not a wuss; & take control, but don't control you? Got it! (I don't got it)

   Never turn your back on a charging turtle.