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C ondoms prevent minivans. 
Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Think of a number between 68 and 70....
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
If they call you weird, what they're really saying is..You are a rare beauty and I wish you were mine.
a hangover is the wrath of grapes
I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny
breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....
There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.
I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.
I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.
"I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!
why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...
I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :(
Dominos selling subs is like Subway selling pizzas, stop it. Nothing is gonna make us forget that your pizza tastes like crap.
I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.
Instead of John I call my bathroom Jim, that way it sounds better when I say I went to the Jim first thing this morning.
It's always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government
jealousy is an ugly color on you... and while I am at it, so are tangerine, teal and turquoise.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
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