Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   The difference between me and some other guys: If my significant other cheats on me, their ass will be out the door, no excuses, no second chances.

   All birds find shelter during a rain. But the eagle avoids rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference!

   Lance Armstrong uses performance enhancing drugs to win races... I use performance enhancing drugs to write Posts... Should we be penalized?

   Help me spread the word all over the internet that I am a millionaire. cause if its on the internet it has to be true.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell anyone thinks anymore.

   The ultimate question... is Petsmart supposed to be "Pet smart" or "Pets mart"?

   Facebook is probably the most efficient way of telling as many people as possible that you're lonely. ツ

   I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.

   The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   I wonder if Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend ever suspected him of not seeing somebody else...

   1.5% of my Chapstick is lost because I shave a little off every time I put the cap back on.

   Firefox; the best browser to download Google's YOUTUBE videos.

   I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.