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The idiot in me likes you. 
assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.
They told me I can catch more flies with honey than with vingar. I said "I can catch even more with manure, whats the point?"
A BJ a days keep the sluts away from my man...
I bet you can't say "cops" without moving your mouth!
What's 100 ft long and has 20 teeth?.................... The funnel cake line at the Maine State Fair.
"I'll need a table for 5 and napkins for 70.".... -- Me, with my wife and kids entering any restaurant--
Anyone else noticing a pattern of flies being attracted to Obama?
Making moral decisions based on money will leave you emotionally poor.
I can’t believe we’re almost four years away from someone using “Gangnam Style” as a deliberately outdated comedy reference.
Just imagine how Humpty Dumpty felt when all the kingmens couldnt put him back together....... Thats how I feel about our relationship
This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper
Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?.... Time for me to find a good attorney!
My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.
Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??
To those who ask why do need a gun that the capacity of holding 20-30 rounds of ammo....... Ok, let me ask you this, Do you need a cell phone? Do you need a Ipad? Do you need an SUV or a 50,000 square foot house? Do you need facebook? Nope! But its
Whenever I walk into a Wal-Mart I automatically hate everyone.....including myself.
Me calling restaurant: Hi. Do you have tables or just booths? Restaurant: We have both. Is this for a handicapped person? Me: No..I'm just a fat f**k.
Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!
A woman is not an object, listen to what it says.
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