Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats "remarkable"

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...

   Tom Brady's kick was still better than David Akers

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Jesus paid for your sins. Make sure he gets his moneys worth!

   It gives me collywobbles to admit this but most of what I post is purely flibbertigibbet. It's not that I think you to be a gobemouche, i'm just a pettifogger and a slangwanger. I'm not a snollygoster, I just love to bloviate. Thanks for understanding!

   Some ideas are infectious, so make sure you’ve had your self-esteem vaccine before listening to some douchebag that’s judging you.

   They say, if you like her, put a ring on it. And I am saying, If you like him, put a BJ on it.

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   The worst part of our relationship is... I started loving her for the day I saw her...And She started loving me from the day she lost me..

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.

   Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'Like' my own status? Of course I like my status, I'm Hilarious! ...and Sexy.

   n't it ironic when you put THE and IRS together it beomes "theirs"? hmmm

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...

   My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.

   Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.