Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   Does this joke format make MY ASS look big?

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   I hate it when my girlfriend calls her period "that time of the month", I like to call it "blow job week"

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   does anyone wanna break my no sex record?!

   Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"

   How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

   Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands...

   Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet

   Just deleted a guy off my friend list for posting the status "I hate Macaroni and cheese" That's right. I'm not taking crap from anyone today!

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   I don't understand why they're making such a big deal over the Tesco burgers..... Seriously, how many times have you said I'm so hungry I could eat a horse????

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.

   Its cold enough to chip a nipple...

   Guys, don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. Also, if you don't give her attention someone else will. It's really simple.