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Everything I know about U.S. history and geography I learned by reading the sides of U-Haul moving trucks. 
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of ur life, starting now.
Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs
It;s so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.
Note to self: Mr. Tequila and Mr. Keyboard do not play well together
Unemployment is up but so are Michelle Obama's BANGS.....
It's so cold this morning I'm gonna lip sync all day.
If you need pills to be a parent then you're not a parent. You're a child yourself.
This is not a post. This is a lip-sync of a post.....
i miss you like a deadline
word of the day is Satin. Girl ain't doin' nuttin but satin on the couch all day watchin her stories...
The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.
You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.
Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.
Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!
Its so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from frezzing.
Friend asks me "Why do you carry a gun?" I reply "because a cop is too damn heavy to carry"
FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..
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