Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

   I'm just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.

   People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   I don't think Lance Armstrong's missing ball was ever real... I heard it and Manti Te'o's girlfriend were recently seen on vacation together in Mexico...

   studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home"

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   adding "euro" before any word immediately makes it sound g ay!

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   would probably be classified as a lesbian if it was only based on how much you enjoy eating muffins and cookies.

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"