Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in

   On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.

   so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...

   I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)

   College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.

   He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up

   An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.

   I want that job where you get to push scared skydivers off the plane.

   Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.

   I put laxatives in my bosses slim fast. She's gonna be so skinny!

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions.

   My son brought home his new girlfriend for Sunday dinner. The verdict? Flat-chested, fat cankles, and a cottage-cheese ass. Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism.

   There needs to be a "Sorry I clogged your toilet" Hallmark card.

   If you use expressions such as: "My hubby ate four of the cupcakes I made...the little piggy!" Please delete from your friends list.

   I started reading this book that I can't put down. It's filled with sex slavery, polygamy and incest. They're available for free at most hotel rooms.

   I just "Al Rokered" myself...........................

   I always hang a sock on the door knob to let my roommate know I am getting it on with the other sock....

   If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?

   We now have cable TV shows entitled, "Cooking With Honey Boo Boo". My life is clearly over..........

   smart and psychopath are like peanut butter and jelly