Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.

   I did so much crack last night, I broke into my own house. I was halfway out with the TV before I realized it was my place.

   Understanding women is easy, too: Just take calculus, multiply by quantum physics, then divide by E=mc². Also, hold them when they cry. Boom.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   Whatever you say, dude. Nobody googles reptile porn by mistake.

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   Do they have dressing rooms for you to try on a smart car before you buy it?

   Guys at the gym tryna look BIG by fitting into the smallest shirt possible. Wait, what's that shirt say? Daddy's Little Princess?

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a man now!!

   If you're going to give the silent treatment, the least you could do is go on the street and pretend to be a mime. We're kinda broke here.

   When a woman tells you 'you're cute', it means you're ugly and you just entered the friendzone.

   I've tried everything to get to sleep. Well, except that thing where you shut off your phone and close your eyes, but let's not get crazy.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   Just discovered that one sock in my favorite pair of socks has a hole in it.....I really don't think I can go on with my day now.

   my underwear is kinda half- assing it today

   I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...

   Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.

   my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet

   FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer