Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance

   If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.

   I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...

   Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...

   “Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

   so over relationships. I'll just stick to one night stands, no drama that way!

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   The next house I build is gonna be nothing but bathrooms! Just imagine all the fine women that would come over just to take pics!

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   The greatest trick Lennay Kekua ever pulled was convincing the world she didn’t exist

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   If you’re not getting laid on a regular basis, Facebook is not going to solve the problem. If anything its going to make it worse.

   Sometimes I get so hungry that I eat a sandwich without having sex first.

   So I assume the holes in fly swatters are there to give flies a fighting chance?

   Just because you're over sensitive doesn't mean people are mean and offensive. Get a thicker skin and a sense of humour, douchebag.

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.