Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "Watch what the idiots are doing and do the opposite." ~ Robert Kiyosaki

   an intelligent carbon based lifeform.

   I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

   I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken...

   There was so much drug abuse on the Tour it shouda been called the Tour De Roid.

   A good relationship is when the man thinks twice before every decision the woman makes.

   My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.

   I only do what I’m told when I like what I am told.

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow

   Drunk Girls: Can you take a picture of us? Me: Sure! Drunk Girls: You just took a picture of the floor. Me: It's better this way.

   Now, I'm not making any accusations, here. All I'm saying is it's a little suspicious when a farmer decides to call his pig "Babe"...

   Just checked the burgers in the fridge.... And they're off.....

   I don't know whats worse reading Ikea furniture directions or being a Tooth Pick Salesman in West Virgina

   Had a burger bought from Tesco earlier, got the trots now...

   "Justin Bieber" has 12 letters. So does gayyyyyyyyyy. Coincidence? I think not.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   I'm too tired. Go love someone else.

   People always ask me, where do I come up with my status', do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.