Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Life is too shart. Stupid autocorrect ツ

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   if you aren’t both squished on one side of the bed to avoid the wet spot, you aren’t doing it right…

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   it considered child labor if they think they are playing a game?

   Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.

   I love New England!!! (Clam Chowder)

   All these “like if you hate cancer” posts are f ucking ridiculous. Everybody hates cancer but clicking on some damn picture doesn’t do jack s hit!

   I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe…

   I don't care if saying this hurts my reputation:..... The Westboro Baptist Church's tactics are not the best.

   I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat.

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   Do you the only thing worse than a Patriot fan?.........Two Patriot fans!

   "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best," which would include; projectile diarrhea, pantless Sunday and 'fix me a sammich woman'! Yeah, that's my 'best' ツ

   I love my new phone. I can now undate my status while crossing the stre