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you can only bring sexy back if you have the receipt and in its original condition and packaging. 
Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..
The Chuckle Brothers now work as parking wardens... To meter you.
You're born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn't finished.
I’m thinking about becoming an MMA fighter. What’s the tattoo minimum??
I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.
I seem to spend a lot more time pooping than most people. So my question is, what’s wrong with y’all??
How high on the douche bag scale is the guy with his polo collar popped??
A relationship is like a house. If a light bulb goes out, you don’t buy a new house. You fix the light bulb.....Unless the house is a total jerk-off. In that case, you burn that sucker down and buy a better house with good light bulbs.
I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.
Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...
Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.
Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.
I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ
I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever...
You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.
There's a woman in New Jersey that has a rare medical condition that makes her have 100's of unwanted orgasims. She has 100's of orgasims a day and is still complaining. That just proves women are never happy
Fast forward to the drive-thru one...
Ladies... If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are.
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