Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Tyler Swift should just accept that she is a total failure at relationships.

   Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

   Okay, so I signed up for Missionary work. Here I sit in Uganda and still no sex. Sheesh!

   Please pray for the guy holding his girlfriend's hand and trying to use his phone with his other hand. You can do it buddy.

   maybe Taylor should try dating girls. I hear Biebs is available...

   You know you're getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.

   When they hand me my napkins at the drive thru, I reach for them, while pretending to masturbate, and shout "Hurry, hurry, hurry!"

   When this Ho on Maury found out that the 36th dude tested wasn't the Father, she ran so far backstage, I flipped the Channel and she was running across the set of ESPN!

   I went to Hy-Vee where there is supposed to be a helpful smile in every isle. False advertising. I had to walk down 5 isles to get help!!

   High pulp, no pulp, with Calcium, w/o Calcium… WTF happened to just regular OJ??

   Lord, I did as you asked and loved my neighbor. But now her husband is outside with a gun and… OMG NO STEVE I WAS DOING THE LORD'S WORK!!!

   True love cannot be found until you can find a mutual comfort level in the thermostat of your home.

   I'm not sure why my dog enjoys watching me have sex but I'm sure deep down she's thinking "B itch stole my move..."

   If you watch Tarzan with your eyes closed, it's just Phil Collins singing in the jungle.

   The first rule of Zombie Club is: Try not to sprain your ankle.

   Things that you need adequate preparation for: 1. Zombie apocalypse. 2. Alien invasion. 3. A nal sex.

   Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It's pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.

   If you're into girls that shout at the TV as they eat Doritos in their Hello Kitty pajamas, you're gonna fall in love with me so hard.

   I like reverse cowgirl because he can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   The phonetic alphabet for BJ is "Bravo Juliette." Which is exactly what I say to my girlfriend after a blow job....