Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm developing a reality series featuring older divorcées that live in "pink houses" in the woods competing for breast implants. I'm calling it "Cougar Melon Camp."

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use Real dinosaurs...

   Just applied for a job at a beauty salon so I can get paid to give women facials.

   When someone tells your their birthday, you immediately add 3 months to see when their parents screwed. Everyone does that, right?

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   Just donated my body to science. I'm your problem now, science and I could use some hot wings and beer.

   If the Mayans have taught us anything, it is that if you don't finish something, it's not the end of the world.

   I'll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...

   She's never speechless. Well except for when I shove her panties in her mouth...

   How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?

   I don't mean to brag... but I'm a pretty damn formidable peek-a-boo opponent

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!

   I just got the new RG III wobble leg doll!!

   Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater? wow, I didn't even know they can Knit !

   Golden domes over mobile homes. Go Irish!!

   Oh so you're a model? Who's your agent, Instagram?

   All I'm saying is that teasing orthodontic patients does NOT make me a "brace-ist!"