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"No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths 
Imagine being a midget at Subway and not knowing what they're putting on your sandwich.
I never order a Happy Meal. I order three. And yes, I get the toy. I eat it for the fiber.
Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...
Here comes all the brand new Houston Texans fans.
I went to that "Farmer's Dating" website I saw on TV....why do all the women look like sheep??
I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman wearing spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Blubber hugging lady leggings".
How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
You wanna know whats more expensive then Milk and Gas.....Ink! Instead of buying ink for my wireless printer, I mightest well buy a new printer at the rate these prices are going!
The wife says, "Tolerate" would definately be includued in any 2nd wedding marriage vows,,,
money does talk... it says "goodbye" to me a lot
Just ordered 78 copies of "Hoarders: Season One" on Amazon
I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.
I hope everyone stocked up on water and flashlights! This y2k thing sounds terrifying!.. I just read all about it in my doctors office.
when the doctor tells me to start eating light does he mean I should start drinking a miller lite with every meal?
I just realized that since my birthday is in January - that means I was probably conceived on April Fools Day....that explains a lot, actually
If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking. If it tastes like trout, get the hell out.
So many 2 x 4's ... So few studs...
People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart
I wish there were visiting hours in heaven.
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